I started writing the FAQ on polyamory, I knew that I would also have to write
one on Swinging, itís a natural progression in some ways. As I was doing both
this and the polyamory FAQ, I thought a lot of the similarities and differences
between the tow and though there arenít that may really, both are considered
separate lifestyles. I also made me very aware of my current relationship and
which parts of it are poly based and which are indicative of a swinging
lifestyle. I will discuss that later in another article.
hadnít originally planned on doing this as an FAQ but it sort of ended up that
way as I just started writing down questions I would have if I were thinking of
exploring the swinging lifestyle. Here are a list of questions and I know that
there are many more out there as well and again they are in no particular order
of importance but they are what I thought would be important ones to ask.
is a social and sexual exchange with persons or people who are not your mate or
definition is, recreational social sex, mostly consisting of male/female couples
meeting other male/female couples, in order to engage in sex and or other
reasonís people swing are as varied as the people who swing. Many couples get
involved in swinging as a way to enliven their marriage or to share their out
looks on sexual freedom. Many couples find swinging a natural evolution in their
marriage and find the transition to a swinging lifestyle both natural and
ever the reason, couples involved in swinging are very sure of the strength and
stability of their marriage. Being honest with your self and your partner, as to
why you want to explore the swinging lifestyle will ease the worries you or your
partner may have and you will also find it easier to open the discussion if you
encounter any problems.
are the Pros and Cons of Swinging?
are a variety of good things associated with the swinging lifestyle. Many people
find the thought of watching and sharing their partner with others or in front
of others, highly arousing, as well as sexually freeing. To many it is a natural
progression of a friendship in which the parties find each other mutually
attractive. Swingers appreciate the open-mindedness and the positive attitudes
towards sexual expression.
opportunity to also experience other sides of sexuality, male/female
bisexuality, as an example, is another draw of the lifestyle. And of course one
cannot forget the SEX! It as well is a very important part of the lifestyle.
the good there is also the bad. Swinging can help intensify feelings of
insecurity or self esteem issues you have as well, especially if your first
swinging experience doesnít live up to your expectations. It can create
feelings of jealousy in your partner, feelings that may surprise you.
Then there is the issue that perhaps swinging is somewhat discriminatory to single men and to big people as well. In the case of BBW, this is somewhat true, more so in the advertising than in the attitudes, I encountered it during my research for this FAQ. As for the single men, I believe it is but it a necessary evil in order to keep the integrity of lifestyle. The other reason is as was stated earlier, that attitudes towards male bisexuality are not as open as they are towards women. Then of course there is the pure survival instinct that a lot of these clubs have and lets face it guys, not all of you out there are honest and you are not above using people for your own gain, including lying to get into an organization. Hey it happens and most swinging clubs are aware that it does and have safeguards set up in the event it does. So if you think you can get involved in swinging with a ďhiredĒ date or a ďticketĒ, forget it! This behavior is unacceptable in any reputable swinging organization and will get you blacklisted. In all honesty if you try to do this you get what you deserve.
do I deal with jealousy?
what the underlying issues are behind your jealousy will be very important in
learning to deal with it. There are three basic premises behind jealousy,
emotions, fear and perception.
would like to believe that jealousy is a separate emotion. Jealousy is to
emotion, like black is to color, all encompassing. Jealousy will run the through
all your feelings only to start all over again when you have reached the end.
Anger, fear, hurt, anxiety, sadness, paranoia, and depression, envy, feelings of
inadequacy and exclusion can all emerge, when you are faced with a situation
that you feel threatened by.
is important to understand that jealousy is about fear. Fear of the unknown and
the new, of losing the power or control you felt in your relationship. Fear of
being left out or abandoned by some one you thought loved you and your
perception of the relationship.
canít give you a quick fix for this, no one can. It is something you and your partner need to be open and
honest about with each other. In my experience I found it helped to identify
what the cause of the jealousy was and why it made me jealous, it was usually
because I was afraid of some part of my partnersí choices. Being open and able
to discuss anything with my partner made it easy for me to discover what the
root of the problem was. It still happens and it always will, dealing with it
once doesnít mean it canít happen again but knowing that it can makes the
next time easier for me.
you find yourself getting jealous, ask yourself a couple of questions. What am I
afraid of? What do I need to make me feel safe? What is the worst that could
happen and what is the real possibility of it happening? With these you can
start to help yourself work through your feelings of jealousy.
are not real quick and easy answers to anything in this lifestyle. Having the
basic tools helps though, and you will soon find jealousy is no longer a thing
to be frightened of either.
do I meet swingers?
is important to remember that Swinging is primarily a social activity, and
meeting other swinging couples is no different than meeting couples for a drink
or just conversation. The social traits that are key and highly appreciated by
the swinging community are responsibility, friendliness, flirtatiousness,
open-mindedness, and importantly stability in oneís primary relationship.
best place to look for swingers is in your local Swing Magazine. They may not be
easy to find but a good place to look is in the local sex boutique. The local
sex shop is also a good place to ask for info in regards to swingers, as they
tend to be associated with sexual open-mindedness. The Internet is fast becoming
a wonderful place to search for information on Swinging Organizations in your
community. You can find swinging in most of the major on line search engines as
well as any of the sexual search engines.
you have met someone who can guide you, attend a few functions, most have
dinners or coffees in order to meet prospective members or for prospective
members to check them out. The level of involvement is up to you and when you
you have experienced a little swinging but havenít quite found a couple you
clicked with, you could always try posting an ad in your local magazine or on a
personals site on the internet. This is both rewarding and disappointing. You
can meet some really wonderful people but you can also meet some pretty sleazy
ones as well. Trust your instincts when you meet these people and if you do meet
try and choose a place that is what I call neutral territory. If you at least
meet the potential candidates for a quick coffee you wonít have to feel guilty
if you donít feel comfortable with them.
is the etiquette in meeting swingers?
swinging, cleanliness is next to godliness. Being clean and neatly attired is
always a good way to make a first impression.
polite and engaging and if you are new most couples are very willing to talk to
you about their first experience in the lifestyle.
would probably be a good idea for you and your partner to stick close to each
other, unless you agreed before hand to mingle and meet more people. Much of
this is just common courtesy and in some ways no different than the way you
would behave at the office.
you are invited to a house party the hosts will probably inform you of the
ďhouse rulesĒ and you will be expected to abide by them. My rule of thumb is
to act the way I would expect others to act if they were in my home.
you are invited and reserve a place at the party and find that something comes
up to make attendance impossible inform you hosts, they may be able to extend an
invitation to another couple if they so wish. The same applies to the invite as
well. If someone is considerate enough to invite you, it is equally considerate
of you to respond to the invitation, not assume that the host knew you were
accordingly for the function you will be attending as well. If it is couple
meeting couple, you may want to consider bringing yourself a towel for clean up
or just to dry of if there is a hot tub or Jacuzzi involved. The same applies if
it is a big swing party, youíll want to be able to clean up afterwards. Keep
your belongings clearly marked and youíll never have to worry about someone
accidentally using your things or vice versa.
ask your host if there is anything you can contribute to the party, food,
beverages, condoms, and things like that. It is always appreciated and there
will always be a use for it.
bottom line is that good manners are always appreciated.
know there are probably a lot more questions out there but this is a very good
starting place when it comes to swinging. I know there will also be more
questions and I will do my best to answer them or direct you to where you can
find some help.
I tried to be as objective as I could with out being to flip or even to serious for that matter. The opinions and feelings in this article are my own and I bear the responsibility for them. I did the best I could with the information I had and found in other resources. I hope the help you in your decision to swing or not.
1999 - 2001
Koi Media Ltd. No unauthorized reproduction in part or in whole permitted.